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Ask Dr. Pepper Schwartz
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Have a love or relationship situation you can't figure out?
Here, Dr. Schwartz shares her prudent and sensible ideas.
Dr. Pepper Schwartz
Relationship Expert PerfectMatch.com
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Question
I have been married for just over 19 years. We're now separated and going to be getting divorced. I want to get into a relationship again. The problem is men don't approach me and I don't approach them either. Maybe I am just too shy and self-conscious about myself. Guys these days seem to want just one thing and nothing from there. I made a promise to myself I would not have sex with someone right away and I wanted to wait to do that. I get very lonely and don't know what to do.
Dr. Schwatz's Answer
You are meeting the wrong guys. Honestly, there are guys out there who feel EXACTLY the way you do: they don't want a sexual involvement right away. They know sex complicates things and they don't want to have sex before they know if this relationship is one they want to pay more attention to or not. Young men might not care who they have sex with, or whether or not a sexual partner is even worth talking to. But by the time they get into their 40's and older, they know sometimes a quick sexual tryst will get them into more hot water than it's worth.
Most of the men on PerfectMatch.com are interested in more than sex. If they weren't, they could be on an easier free site. The men on this site work through the personality profile, and do some thinking about who they are and who they want to be with. As a result, you have a better chance of someone who feels like you do.
However, give yourself a chance to be even more selective. Go back to the DealBreakers and see if there are any selections you think would be more likely to give you someone with the values you prize. Also, look at Duet, the personality profiler. Select for someone who is risk averse and who likes predictability, rather than variety. This might help you find someone a bit more conservative emotionally, like yourself.
Don't give up. While we can't promise you the right man, right away, we know he's in our database somewhere. Just be clear about who you are, what you want, and you will find someone who admires your values and wants to get to know you better.
Have a love or relationship situation you can't figure out? Join PerfectMatch and ask Dr. Schwatz for help.
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