Ask Dr. Pepper Schwartz on Dating

Have a love or relationship situation you can't figure out? Here, Dr. Schwartz shares her prudent and sensible ideas.

Question
I'm only looking for a lifetime relationship, not dating. I find some of the men I'm meeting are just being playful. That's ok, but not what I'm looking for. Without scaring a guy off before he even gets to know me, how do I make it clear that "just dating" is not worth our while unless we are on the same page?

Dr. Pepper Schwartz Relationship Expert PerfectMatch.com

Dr. Schwatz's Answer
Well, you have come to the right community! We really try hard to filter out people who are just interested in a few dates and select for people who are ready to find the person they want to spend a lifetime with. Nonetheless, no matter how hard we try, sometimes people don't know themselves very well. They say they are looking for a relationship, but they are really commitment phobic, and always find a reason why this particular person just isn't "the one". They don't quite get the fact they are the problem, even when 400 dates later, they still get disappointed with every single possibility.

Still, I think the vast majority of the men on this site are truly interested in finding a life partner, so you can make your chances of finding a lifetime match better by doing three major things:

First, say what you mean in your profile. Be strong and clear about it. Sure, saying you are looking for a lifetime partner will scare some guys off, but it will really appeal to guys who are serious about finding someone and who feel the same way you do about playing games. There are a lot of people out there that are extremely tired of dating and want a soul mate, a life partner, a person they can really count on and who are ready to want and accept commitment. Believe me, there are many men out there who are as tired as you are of people who just want to party.

Second, represent yourself fully and honestly in your profile and in your picture. If you don't, you shouldn't be surprised if dates don't take you seriously. When you are looking for a partner, and they are looking for a partner, you can't blame them for not trusting you if you misrepresent yourself (short rather than tall, high school educated as opposed to college, thin rather than athletic build, etc.). Some guy will love exactly what you are, but you have to make sure that he gets what he's looking for. Otherwise, he may say he just wants to date and not be serious about any one person, when in fact, he is bowing out gracefully.

Third, pick someone who is likely to be a psychological match. Don't disregard the Personality Profiler, it's a very valuable tool that can really help. For example, there are some questions on both the similarity and complementary part of the profiler that makes it more likely to find someone serious. And, there's a question on risk seeking versus risk averse. I would imagine in most cases, someone who is risk averse is more interested in a steady relationship than someone who is risk seeking. Look also for a lot of similarity in your guy's profile to your own, that is the most likely way to get compatibility for a lifetime. There are two ways to use the profile: look at the pictures and see who attracts you, and then look for a compatible Personality Profile; or use the Profiler first and then see if the people suggested arouse your hormones. You can combine this with a keyword search so you find someone who has lifestyle desires that you have. In other words, do as much homework as you can to make sure you are raising the odds in your favor that this guy and you could be right for one another.

Finally, while I have said that you should be honest, this should not come across as needy or desperate. No one wants to think that a person is going to be clingy, or that they would accept just about any warm body. Be serious, but also independent and show that you are a discriminating person and do it without acting arrogant or emotionally impenetrable. Be warm, friendly, and poised. You will find you are not the only one looking for a perfect match.

Have a love or relationship situation you can't figure out? Join PerfectMatch and ask Dr. Schwatz for help.

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