Celebrating National Singles Month
By Dr. Pepper Schwartz
September is 'national singles' month. This would be a celebration worth missing! "Sure," you say, "but how do I do that? Trust me, I'm trying!"
Fair enough. So, in addition to utilizing PerfectMatch.com's forward-thinking Duet® Total Compatibility System, here's a checklist to consider. Five really important points you might not have thought about. They can help you begin a relationship on a more positive footing, and keep it there…hopefully, forever!
1. Ask Questions and Be Curious.
How often have you thought someone wasn't really listening to you? Or, are you the offending person, and have been told repeatedly you're not paying attention? The fact is, while we know it's wrong to hog the air time, few of us know how to listen attentively. Listening well does not mean sitting there mute. Passive listening is also unattractive. The other person will start to feel they're talking to themselves. However, active listening is exciting to be around. That's when a person hears what you're saying, understands the subject material, and shows you they're listening by asking for more detailed information. They may also ask for a clarification, or perhaps ask you a question so insightful; you know without question they're interested. This makes both parties more interesting in the process. A curious, active listener promotes a relationship which often is deep, complex and makes both people feel more intimate. Hone this skill, and you're on your way to being significantly more valuable as a partner.
2. Find and Understand the Difference Between Bragging and Boring.
Naturally, you need to let your light shine, too. But, bragging isn't the avenue. Unfortunately, too many people don't put themselves forward. They don't show their capability to engage in conversations other than about their job, family or a past romance. I've known people for years before they've told me they were a black diamond skier, or they're an accomplished water colorist, or they coached their child's soccer team. It's important to let someone we meet know the kind of person we are. Some of this is demonstrated by the things we've done showing talent, discipline, kindness and/or civic spirit. There's more to each of us than just our jobs and past relationships. And, it's our responsibility to show why we're individually special. If you don't display what sets you apart from others, how can someone know you're worth dedicating their life to?
3. Show Your Femininity or Masculinity by Showing Your Interest.
I'm not talking about wearing a physically revealing shirt. Rather, I'm saying women and men each own something that ignites chemistry in a deeper and non-trivial manner. For a man, it's self-assurance, self-confidence and maybe slightly flirtatious (but always respectful) appreciation of the woman in front of him. It's paying court to her womanliness, without coming on in a sleazy, sexual manner. It's more about noticing she has a unique hair style, beautifully colored eyes, or is wearing a stunning color that compliments her. Verbally, in a nice way, you might say, "You're a charming, interesting woman. I like the way you act and carry yourself." Likewise, as a woman, while you need to show your warmth and emotional accessibility, you should also show your poise and independence. A man wants a woman who "wants" a man, but who's not "desperate" for one. Dress nice and comfortable, but not like you're auditioning for the show, "Anything Goes". If you have a good body, it will show itself without you looking like you're for sale. If, on the other hand, your body isn't centerfold material, welcome to the club! Dress for the occasion and not like you're attempting to hide your body. Come across as someone interested and warm. Bottom line to both women and men: Don't forget chemistry is ignited more easily when we show interest and appreciation of each other. If you are drawn to the person you are with, be honest and show it. It's a powerful message both of you will enjoy receiving.
4. Offer Something Really Interesting.
If you're interested, why not try and close the first meeting with an offer of something really interesting for next time? There're a lot of reasons second or third dates don't happen. And one of those is the first meeting just didn't offer something to get the other person more than casually interested. It takes time for people to truly understand their feelings for someone else, and most certainly, past the first date. If you're interested in the person, and if you've been paying attention as in 1. above, suggest an outing interesting to both of you. If you're both interested in ocean sports, perhaps mention you're going windsurfing the next weekend, and see if they would like to come along. If in the course of the first date you discover you're both interested in wine, mention there's a wine tasting event next weekend, and see if they are up for it. In other words, if things appear mutually positive between both of you, try to get a commitment before you part. This, of course, won't work if someone isn't at all interested in you, which both of you'll be better off knowing it now and not later. However, it will definitely work if they're on the fence. Moreover, don't stop this technique on the second date - part of falling in love with someone, is having an intriguing, interesting lifestyle. Work to make your dates fun, interesting, exciting and/or growth producing. By working this hard this early in your relationship, you're going to make your life a future someone really wants to be a part of…and one worth sharing. The very cornerstone of any relationship is working to make it work!
5. Be Positive and Be Optimistic.
As we all know, life is hard with its valleys and peaks. And, there're times it can be really and seemingly unfairly hard. So, you don't want to make it even harder by talking about life's valleys all the time. Positive people attract significantly more people, exhibiting an aura of "lightness". If sadly your life is, and has been harsh and dark, you'll make it darker by continuing to share this darkness repeatedly with everyone. By no means am I saying don't ask for support, or you can't breakdown sometimes with a close friend or someone you share a love with. Absolutely, they're the ones you should be sharing your emotions with. However, you'll find it hard to earn this support with someone new if you only have negative or dark things to share on a regular basis. It might be challenging, but attempt to adopt a positive, optimistic attitude. Generally, it'll make you happier and will change your outward appearance. In the end, this positive and optimistic "you" will make it much more likely someone else will want to share those exciting days with you…on a permanent basis!
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