Are You Afraid of Love?
By Dr. Pepper Schwartz
As Spring has sprung here this year I continue to hear many men and women saying that the reason they are single is that "there is no one out there". Folks, that is just not true! The fact is there are plenty of great people "out there"-and if you are not finding one of them the reason may be because you are afraid of will happen if you do open up your heart and be emotionally vulnerable.
In order to find a soulmate, you have to examine your deepest emotions and see if you are really ready to trust someone with your heart. Don't feel bad if you get queasy just thinking about that kind of exposure, many people have been hurt by someone they loved, and reactions have ranged from being over-anxious about all dates-to walling your emotions off so that you can't really be hurt again.
I was recently speaking at a conference on intimacy for sexual and marital therapists who gathered at the University of California , Irvine. I looked for continuity among the other expert's advice on finding and maintaining relationships. One of the common threads was that in order to truly love , individuals had to build an emotional "platform" of trust and conquer their fears. People who were afraid were either "anxious" and over eager to please, dependent , insecure and jealous-or they were "avoidant" which meant they tried hard to keep their feelings immobilized . They kept "safe" by either dating a lot of people superficially never investing in one person or they closed down their feelings entirely because they had major fears of being set up and abandoned.
These struggles to believe in love and to conquer our fears of being unloved are insecurities most of us have had at some point of our life. Some of our reactions have been learned because of painful experience in our families or are a result of earlier relationships that didn't work out or ended badly. Such tough memories and experiences are hard to avoid but its important to know that trust can be earned and it can be reliable. People can be honest, and open and create a love that is neither superficial or fleeting. While it may take awhile to find someone worthy of your trust- or someone who can calm your fears and open your feelings to their deepest level-this can and will happen-if you let it.
Of course not everyone deserves our vulnerability and loyalty. We can make mistakes and suffer for them. But I assure you, if you work on getting over your fears of loving-and being loved- that love will not only happen- it will deepen and solidify over time.
Don't let your fears get in your way. Take it slow - again as we've talking about in the past - PerfectMatch.com is not a site for 20-something's looking to serial date with an expectation of 100's of matches and overnight success. It requires you to take your time - let yourself be open to people - who, like you, wanted to be here to get away from the rat race of some of the mega sites. They to have the desire and the capacity to make a profound connection-that only gets better and stronger over time.
Take some time, have a little fun and enjoy PerfectMatch.com - we're here to help you be successful!
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