To Breakup or To Makeup...Here is the Answer
By Dr. Pepper Schwartz
You've put your heart and soul into this relationship, but it's still rocky. You've broken up a couple times, but hung in there after those sweet reunions. It's been up and down, and/or unpredictable. You’re wondering if you should stay or go. It's just not clear what to do. Here're 10 statements which might help you make up your mind.
Answer these either as "yes" or "no".
1. You've broken up several times about what, in retrospect, seems like trivial disagreements.
2. Your partner cheated on you, or you believe your partner cheated on you. It’s never been explained to your satisfaction.
3. You have screaming fights, which include abusive words, or even pushing and shoving in them.
4. You have been together at least one year, but you’re not sure if this person is committed to you.
5. You’ve been with someone at least two years. You’ve mentioned marrying or living together, but they say they’re "not ready". They may even have said, "…I’m not sure I will ever be ready…" or similar words meaning the same.
6. You have been together at least a year. However, you haven’t been introduced to his or her close friends or family.
7. You either cry a lot, or you’re angry a lot in this relationship.
8. Friends tell you either: (a) this person is not worthy of you; or (b) they don't like the way this person treats you.
9. You never solve major disagreements. You both go over and over the same serious difference of opinion, but never solve it to mutual satisfaction.
10. He or she has never said they love you. Or, if it has happened, it’s extremely rare, and usually either when you’re intimate or while inebriated. Bottom line: you’re not sure he or she does love you in the way you want to be loved.
If you answered yes to five or more of the above, you should seriously know at least where your suitcases are located, and your laundry should be up-to-date. If you answered yes to eight or more, your suitcases should be full and in the back as you drive away. Why? Take a look at the explanations of each statement below and see what it tells you about your situation.
1. If you break-up over relatively small matters (i.e., he thinks you’re a nag for calling too much, you think he’s a slob who doesn’t know the meaning of “cleaning”), you’re in a relationship which hasn’t worked out communication and negotiation skills. If this has been going on for a year or more, it means the way you talk to each other also isn’t improving.
2. Having an affair or random intimacy with another person while in a serious relationship, or even a semi-serious relationship, is big violation. This is reason enough for at least one person to want to leave. But, it's even more serious if it was never talked about, understood, and dealt with so the trust has a chance to be reestablished. Unless you have agreed to a non-monogamous relationship, you need to protect your feelings and go find someone you can trust. Otherwise, you will periodically have your heart broken, and most likely in the end, will eventually be left.
3. There’s no reason to stay in a relationship where all hell breaks out when you get upset, the other person gets upset or you both are angry. A relationship allowing this kind of treatment will only get worse and more dangerous.
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