Getting Any? I thought not ...
By Dr. Pepper Schwartz
There might be a reason why your score card is not exactly what you thought it was going to be. And I don't mean just about sex. I mean you meet someone great and it seems to be a nice first getting to know you session---and then, they wonít answer your emails, or your phone calls, and you donít know why.
This is probably the most infuriating and depressing part of dating: getting excited about someone, thinking youíve done OK (or OK enough) at the first meeting or first phone call to merit more time to get to know each other, and then finding out that you didnít have a clue about what was really going on with them.
If this is true for you, let me alert you to a couple of things that are the quickest killers of second dates. If you havenít been doing as well as you want to, then be honest with yourself and see if you are doing any of these date turn offs . If you are, cut it out! If you canít, ask your friends to help you with what you are doing to turn off potential partners, or even see a therapistóno kidding. You donít want to be alone, and you might have to get some of these habits under control if you are going to be with someone worthy of you and live happily ever after.
Second Date Eliminators:
No.1 It's all about you.
Did you notice that after the first phone call, you donít know very much about them but they probably know every painful episode in your childhood? If they know too much about you and you know very little about them, itís almost a hundred per cent certain they were bored and ticked off. Why should they sign up for a second lecture?
No.2 You can talk endlessly and never take a breath.
Maybe you didnít talk about yourself at all. Maybe you just got into a passionate discussion of your love affair with the biography you are reading or your feelings about the current political climate. But everyone needs to have a turn at talking about something. If you take over all the talk, the other person is going to walk.
No.3 You are so needy it scares your mother.
OK, so itís been way too long since youíve been cherished and loved. However, if you show that youíre hurting, itís going to scare the, uh, desire, right out of the person you are with. Most people are scared of someone who seems so needy that they are only a coffee date away from giving or accepting a proposal. Itís too much pressure to have someone who seems like they are emotionally fragile or indiscriminately needy. If you are not happy and independentópretend you are.
No.4 You are looking for a savior.
This is another thing that will have your date running to a different zip code. If you talk about your failing business, overwhelming child care shortage or any other big problem right away, your date figures you want them to solve all your problems. How attractive is that prospect on a first date? You guessed it-theyíll be out of there ASAP!
No.5 You are your own best critic.
If you find yourself telling stories about the time you threw a lamp at your ex, didnít give back accurate change to a salesperson, or failed at some important relationship, you are helping your date know why they donít want to know you. You donít need to say one, not even one, bad thing about yourself. Everyone knows the other person isnít perfect, but when you give them all the bad news upfront, itís more than anyone can take.
No.6 You hide your warmth (or you have none).
Many people look confident when they arenít. They need to know you are really, really interested in them (without, remember, seeming needy or indiscriminate). You need to let them know you think they are special and tell them why (but please donít make it about legs or eyes or something that everyone could discern was kind of special). People are attracted to people who see the thing in them that they most prize about themselves. Find some way to show you see this person in a special way and they are more likely to want a date reprise.
No.7 You shimmer with arrogance and defensiveness.
The only thing thatís worse than too little confidence is being a braggart and taking offense at just about any little thing that contradicts your opinion, way of life, political positionsóyou name it. If you are attempting to avoid looking needy by lavishing self love on yourself donít overdo it. If you are great looking, very accomplished, rich or professionally exciting, you have plenty going for you; you donít have to sell, sell, sell. But, if you combine your supreme self confidence with a few put downs (however cute you may mean your repartee to be) that potential date is going to vanish.
No.8 You reveal nothing (or too much).
You want to establish the beginnings of intimacy in that first conversation and date. So you need to reveal a bit about yourself (without getting so personal that itís embarrassingly over the top). Let your date get to know you better than your profile on the Internet. But donít give any deep secrets. You donít want to overwhelm them with intimacy, but you donít want to be vanilla, either.
No.9 You overdo or under-do the sex appeal.
Let's face it: one of the reasons someone comes back for more is they are fantasizing about the way you kiss, or what you look like when your clothes are off, or maybe just the way you move on a dance floor. Give them some hint that youíre a sexual person, but of course, not someone who is sexy with just anybody. Sex attracts, but too much is scary. You could be seen as needy, or a stalker, or kind of sleazy. Show a little of your sensuality but keep it tasteful. Otherwise, you might be buddy material but the person who is going to get the next date is the one who'll give the person you are interested in a hormonal thrill ...
No.10 You make the person you are with feel generic.
This may be the most important thing to consider. Do you give the same story over and over? If you do, it probably sounds like it. Show that you know who you are with; that they bring out something specific and unique to this interaction. Make someone feel like one of an assembly line of coffee dates or bar drinks and they wonít come back again. Would you?
I look forward to hearing from you!
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